Ok Folks,
I provide Model Answers below, [in square brackets], to assist in evaluating any passport applications / pub quizzes / randomers-claiming-to-be-Irish...
Spoiler Alert: If you're reading this for the first time, check up-thread for the quiz without answers, and test yourself in this 'Cultural Pre-Qualification Questionnaire'.
Think of it as a vaccine against Brexit-induced trauma
(Some answers work best in a Cork accent...)
Regards, RC
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British people applying for Irish passports will now face the following questions, following the recent spike in applications.
Q1: Please explain why the 6pm national news is broadcast at exactly one minute after 6pm? ['That would be an Ecumenical Matter'. Alternative acceptable answer: 'Those stupid bells!']
Q2: Sean: "You wouldn't put the kettle on would you?"
Mary: "I will yeah"
Is Mary going to put the kettle on for Sean? [Not a chance, boy. Who am I, your slave? (Ideally this one would be answered in a Cork accent.)]
Q3: “Mammy is after going to get the messages.” Explain. [Mum has popped to the shops to buy some groceries.]
Q4: "Give 5 examples of where/when you can apply the word 'yoke'" [sample answer: 'Ya quare yoke' = 'you're being a bit odd'; 'yer man's a bit of a quare yoke' = 'he's a bit strange'; 'where's that yoke?' = 'where's that valuable but ancient old tool (or rather odd son) of mine?' etc]
Q5: The immersion. Discuss. [Ah. Yes. The Immersion. Context: 'Who left the immersion on all night again?' 'Turn off the immersion, ya bould yoke, ya.' Immersion = the electric powered heating element in the hot water tank in the Hot Press. Rumoured to be responsible for exorbitant electricity bills, all by itself. Occupies unique position in Irish household folklore, as the progenitor of vicious arguments.]
Q6: In the event that you lose your passport, should you
(a) report it lost and apply for a new one
(b) apply for a temporary passport or
(c) pray to St Anthony? [ (c) of course. Everyone knows it'll turn up if you trust St Anthony to do the job for you. Why would you be bothered to get a new one, like? (A tenner in his box in the church would help too)]
Q7: A local man becomes successful. Discuss the reactions that this may elicit among his neighbours (300 pages or less). [No, this requires a separate answer, and a few months. Might even become a bestseller...]
Q8: Where were Miley and Fidelma caught? [If you don't know, it's an automatic fail for anyone over 50. Do the research. Do you even know who Miley was? What kind of Irishman are you at all, at all?]
Q9: Give 6 examples of how to use 'grand' [sample answers: Grand so. It'll be grand. I'm grand. Grand out. 'Tis grand. Isn't it grand for him?]
Q10: 'Bye bye bye bye bye bye bye’ is an appropriate way to end a phone conversation, yes or no? [Is this a trick question?]
Q11: What does 'put the delph in the press' mean? ['Put the ware in the cupboard.' (PS Ware = crockery = delph; you shouldn't have to be told)]
Q12: How well should you have known someone to attend their funeral? [Well now, how long have you got? Multipart question in disguise. (a) Local Politician: not at all, but a must if the unfortunate deceased had (or any of their family still have) a vote in your constituency. (b) National Politician: not at all, but if they had a vote in your constituency it's ok to send a minion if you're a minister; otherwise you've gotten too big for your boots and forgotten where you came from - mortal sins both. (c) Everyone else: not at all, it's ok to attend if you live in the same village in Roscommon as his first cousin, the one with the limp, you know, yer man living up above.]
Q13: Fill in the blank..."roll it there ___ " [Seriously, where have you been? Uncle Gaybo? Remember him? No? Forget it, ye foreign pretender...]
Q14: If you are living in one part of the country, having grown up in another part of the country - which is 'home' and which is 'home, home' [Another trick question?]
Supplementary question - What is the difference between going 'out' and going 'out, out'? [And why would you be asking?]
Q15: Can you explain where yer man from up above lives ? [Roscommon. See Q12 (c) above.]
Q16: Aoife's leaving cert is next week. What concrete steps can Aoife's grandmother take to ensure her success? [Three decades a night, a tenner to St Anthony, and the Child of Prague under the bush just in case.] [Don't ask what a decade is, ye heathen.]
Q17: Bridie: Are you going to take the dog for a walk at all? Dónal: I'll do that now in a minute
When will Dónal take the dog for a walk: -Now -In a minute -Other - please specify. [What's the rush?]
Bonus Question: Conjugate the verb 'to be' in the present continuous tense:
[Note A Cork accent works best.
I do be
You do be
He do be
She do be
We do be
Ye do be
They ALL do be]